At the Movies!
by aspiringactor
Summary: Ever wonder what it would be like if your favorite characters sat down and watched themselves on the big screen? Well, here's your chance!


**At the Movies!**

**Ever wondered what your favourite characters would think if they got to see themselves portrayed on the big screen? Well here's your chance! (Spoiler Alert! I will be using/referencing the actual plots of the book/movie) **

**I am open to suggestions for characters to use, but there must be a reason why the character can watch themselves (Sorry, that means no Frodo, Gandalf, Aragorn & Legolas watching Lord of the Rings)**

*****Disclaimer. This is a work of parody. It is not my intent to offend any persons/parties involved. **

**Up first: Wolverine**

**xxx**

"Shoot. Me. Now." Was all Logan could say as he trudged through the crowd of people, all of whom where clamouring to get to the front of the line. He hated himself at that very moment. He hated everything so much, especially his healing factor. Four years ago, he had gone on a huge drinking spree while out with several Avengers. He managed to out-drink both Thor and Hercules, but wound up getting a little more tipsy than usual. And he guessed that he had been spending too much time with the web-head, because bad luck seemed to strike him in droves that night. He wound up running into two men, whom he shared a wonderful three hours with.

During which he told garbled bits of his life story. Not all together, and parts of it where missing. But certainly enough for the two Hollywood writers to take note of everything the world-famous Mutant was telling them. The poked and prodded in all the right places, making him tell them more, as smiles grew on their faces.

And about six months later, that pretty-boy Hugh Jackman announced they where making _another _movie supposedly based on 'Wolverine's' life. _I'm short and hairy and a war vet..._ Logan grumbled as he tugged on his jacket, _And Aussie-boy's tall and a ballerina. What in the hell where-_ his train of thought was cut off as he was forced to side-step a group of charging preteens, who made a beeline straight for the concession line, followed by an extremely flustered-looking man in his mid-forties. Obviously, he, like Logan, had drawn the short straw. Only Logan's short straw was much worse in his mind. But only because they _picked _this inhumane form of punishment specifically for him.

"Logan!" A girl's voice called out from across the lobby, "Logan! Over here!" He considered running for it. He glanced to the left, eyeing the exit, which was still full of teen girls with too much makeup and not enough clothing, and guys wearing to-small yellow spandex suits that made him cringe inside. There was no way he'd be able to make it through there in time, not when he'd have four of his 'proteges' on his tail. Even without considering the fact that one could fly, another could pass through solid material, the third was the second-best tracker in the world, and the final could see and smell far better than he ever could. "Logan!" Kitty Pryde shouted again as he turned back towards her and forced a smile, "I swear to god if you-"

"I'm comin'" Logan said gruffly as he dug his hands into his pockets deeply, deciding to bite the bullet and get through it. He had promised the four girls that he would do this, but only if they managed to beat his score in the Danger room. And to his great shock, they did just that on their very next try. Much to the amusement of Iceman and Gambit, who couldn't stop themselves from laughing when they heard what he had to do. Only prior commitments kept the two male X-men from attending. "I'm comin'" Logan grumbled as he came to a stop in front of the four tormentors. Kitty Pryde, Rogue, Laura Kinney and Jubilee all grinned at him wickedly.

"I did not think you would attend," his clone/daughter/sister Laura replied as she slipped her hands in her pockets.

"Pshaw," Jubilee replied, keeping her smirk small, out of practice and necessity. While San Fransico was open to all mutants, not to many people would entertain the idea of a vampire, even a 'vegetarian' one, in a public place. Or even just alive at all, but that didn't stop Jubilee from showing her fun side, as she had obviously dressed to annoy Logan as much as she could. She leaned against the wall, displaying her 'Van Helsing' t-shirt that was cleverly hidden beneath her pale yellow coat. Only a tiny smile revealed a flash of elongated teeth. "He's been looking forward to this as much as we have," she said with a small nod.

"He told me that he would rather have-" Laura began to say, sounding surprised at Jubilee's words.

"She's being sarcastic, _X_," Rogue replied as she eyed her watch. "And we gotta get goin'. Show starts in five minutes. We wanna make sure we can all get ah _good_ _look_ at Logan's body..." Both Kitty and Jubilee joined her in snorting with laughter, while Laura gave the three girls an odd look, obviously not fully understanding the joke because of her upbringing.

But, nonetheless, the laughter continued as they walked into the dark room, where people where already filling up seats. The five of them managed to find decent seats together in the middle of the room. Kitty made a quick return trip to the concession stand with Rogue, and returned to them in two minutes with bags of popcorn and drinks. One bag for each of them, save for Jubilee, who was unable to digest 'human' food. Fortunately, she was able to drink fluids, and grabbed the extra-large coke Kitty had gotten for her.

Laura, on the other hand, dove right into her popcorn. Obviously enjoying the stark contrast that the popcorn had to the stale food she had received at 'the facility'. She was so loud, however, that Jubilee leaned over and whispered something into her ear. Presumably telling her to quiet down as the trailers finished. The whole theatre became quiet as logos played out over the screen. Exactly how the story of his life was still in the same hands as the people who managed to muck up the Fantastic Four's first two films escaped him. He had no problem with the comic company, as they had done him alright. But that was beyond his control, unless he wanted to buy himself a lawyer.

"I did not know you where at Hiroshima..." Laura whispered to him softly after the camera began to pan over a heavily computer-edited Japanese landscape. He raised his lip somewhat as he saw the general atmosphere the filmmakers had gone for. The colour scheme was off, it should have been no different than today's was. But, as usual, the director had gotten a little to Three-D happy.

"I wasn't," Logan replied as an over-dramatized scene played out before his eyes.

"I could've done better," Jubilee scoffed before taking a large sip from her drink. "They could have hired me on a few years ago. I'd have given them some real explosion effects to watch," she continued as Logan watched his on-screen counterpart outrun the blast wave. "_Ohhh..." _Jubilee half-squealed as the scene changed to one of 'Logan' and 'Jean' in a bed.

"My _OTP!" _Kitty giggles as she slapped Logan on the shoulder. "Lighten up! This shit is good!" she continued as she leaned back in her chair, and continued to watch. "Too bad Jean's dead right now...she'd love all this," Kitty remarked as the screen-logan came across a dying Grizzly bear. "Oh well. She'll be back around the time that the DvD comes out. So we'll-"

"How could men film this?" Laura asked in a low tone of voice. "How could they stand by and watch as an animal-"

"It's not real, sugar," Rogue whispered into her ear as 'screen-Logan' entered a bar, with the intent to kill. "All fake. No body would actually film a dying creature like that."

"But-" Laura replied as she motioned towards the screen, where a pink-haired woman named 'Yukio' was helping 'screen-logan' get out of the bar. Why this 'screen-logan' would ever need her help escaped him. After all, it wasn't as if those drunks in the bar where a match for Creed, Daken or Magneto. "he stabbed the man-"

"Fake, X," Kitty said as she leaned back and popped a piece of popcorn into her mouth. "All fake. Except for those abs. Those are real," she joked as a brief ripple of laughter erupted from the audience, at the sight of a half-naked Hugh Jackman being scrubbed down by two Japanese women, who where chastising his dirty demeanour. "Just move the brush, lady..." A small fit of laughter followed as Kitty, Jubilee and Rogue huddled together. Their laughing died out as the film continued, but Logan's desire to leave did not. Nor did it leave as images flashed over his eyes. An old man dying in a suspicious way, a funeral, a mildly interesting fight on-top of a train (He made a mental note to try some of the stunts though, they looked fun). He watched as his on-screen counterpart discovered the 'loss' of his healing factor.

"Wow, they really went to town on this one," Jubilee remarked.

"As opposed to the last one," Rogue chimed in, earning Logan's interest.

"Last one?" He asked, unaware that any other film about his life even existed.

"We didn't want to punish you _that_ much," Kitty whispered as screen-logan travelled to the countryside with the woman he was supposed to be saving. More boring scenes followed as the two grew closer, despite having almost nothing in common. It came as no surprise to Logan when the woman was kidnapped, and his on-screen counterpart raced after the yakuza, even with a bullet in his leg. Which should have been impossible. The amount of blood-loss would be enough to incapacitate most men, even trained soldiers.

"Why would they not use guns?" Laura asked innocently as hundreds of 'ninjas' shot arrows into 'screen-logan's' back. "And why do they not try to hide better? I can see-"

"You're supposed to see them," Rogue said softly, "It's better for the story if you see the threat coming. And ninja's don't use guns, they use swords and bows and their hands..." her voice trailed off as 'Viper' gave off some bullshit exposition about a large robot samurai. Logan curled his lip as he realized that was supposedly the 'Silver Samurai', one of his personal villains. He grimaced as he watched the mech come to life, and engaged his counterpart in a melee battle.

"He is not a very good fighter," Laura remarked.

"Just wait till his shirt gets torn off," Kitty replied as 'screen-logan' was knocked Out of the side of the building, and hung from a ledge. "Or this. He'll be fine," she said as she threw the last of her popcorn into her mouth. Meanwhile, Laura was looking somewhat mortified as she watched the dead old man appear from inside the mech, and begin to torture screen-logan with impossible science. There was no way he would be able to 'siphon' off Logan's DNA and harness his healing factor. The closest the man would be able to get was injecting himself with Mgh and hoping for the best. But no, they had to create a false sense of tension, so that idiots would be shocked when the love interest impaled her grandfather with one of Logan's severed claws.

"Thank god! Logan said as the screen faded to black, and he began to rise out of his seat.

"No!" Kitty said as she grabbed his shoulder, "we've gotta wait for the post-credits scene!"

"F#$%&" was all Logan could say as he sat back down, once again cursing his alcohol tolerance levels for ruining his life.

_**A/N: If you have any requests, leave them in a review!**_


End file.
